Feeling sorry for myself

I can tell you now this is not going to be a happy post. But I have really been feeling sorry for myself these last few days, and at least wanted to write it down for when I forget and remember this time as all sunshine and roses. I'm just really tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of not being able to take care of my kids, my house, and my family. I'm tired of hurting, and being sick, and not sleeping, and having to pee every second, and not being able to get up and get a drink of water.

I hate the doctors' offices. I see a specialist twice a month and the OB at least once a month. Today the specialist told me I would be going into be monitored once a week from now on. I don't know what that means or how long it will take, but I feel like it is another thing to stress me out. It is like she said "you need to stay in bed, but go to the doctor 4 more times a month, on top of what you are already doing!" She also told me I needed more bed rest. She said the more I am in bed the better off I am. A nice way of saying "every time you get up is closer to me sticking you in the hospital"

Plus today I went through the NICU tour and it didn't make me feel more comfortable about having babies that will be so early they will spend their time living in a square box. Babies I won't even be able to hold.

On top of that my kids are out of control. There is only so much "parenting" I can do from the bed. And I have learned there is a lot they can get into. I used to think my house was pretty well baby proofed, but everyday it is another mess that I have to leave for someone else to clean up. A couple days ago it was magic marker on the walls and each other. Today it is saline and lotion on EVERYTHING! And the worst is I think to myself "they are playing together really quiet, and not fighting.... I should check on them." but then I don't get up for ten min, so that I can use the bathroom at the same time and only get up once.

Anyway I know it is so much hormonal. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself when I really have so much to be grateful for. I know it won't last forever. Still sometimes I guess I just need to have me a good cry. Then I just keep going. Everyday I can keep going is huge for the babies. 1 day is equal to 3 NICU days. The most important thing is that I stay positive.

Another triplet mom told me that when I look down at those tiny babies fighting for life I will either feel like I did all I could to give them the best chance, or I will be kicking myself and feeling like if I had just taken it a little easier would they be better off? I want to know I did all I could for my miracle babies.


Positively.... I did get good news at the doctor today. My babies all look really good. They were kicking and punching each other the whole ultrasound. They now weigh 2.2, 2.3, and 2.4 pounds. That is great news that they are all so close. And great news they are all over 2 pounds. I have also reached the third trimester (I think.... Maybe not till the end of week 27... Who knows?).

My many blessings

Today my mom came up to help me do inventory on the shower gifts we received for the babies this last couple weeks.  It was amazing.  I was constantly taken back by how generous and kind everyone has been.  I have been amazed at the outpouring of love, help, and support we have and continue to receive everyday.   I know there is no way we could do this alone and I know the Lord knew that when he brought us to this ward.  I want to thank everyone for the support and help.  Thanks for the monetary and physical help.  These babies are already so loved and they have not even finished the journey to get here.

I wont bore you with the many gifts we received, except to say we need very few things at this point.  We did have to exchange a few duplicates and things to fill in the gaps, but I am feeling much more prepared for these miracles to join our family.  I do want to mention something that is particularly amazing to me.  The other day Jared and I came home to find someone had bought us 2 brand new cribs and dropped them off with grandpa.  I thought it was a joke at first because it was so amazing and I had never imagined anyone so generous.  This person told grandpa they wished to remain anonymous, and that we would never know who this amazing blessing came from.  I didn't and still don't know whether to laugh or cry.  It is just such a blessing.

We also continue to have help coming in to clean for about an hour 2 times a week.  The kind ladies come and clean up my kitchen, and vacuume my floors (something I have not been able to do in months) and will take the kids laundry and bring it back all clean.  I don't think you will ever know how much this helps my family.  This short hour of service is something I cant do.  It changes the feel in my home, and helps me in so many ways to better take care of my family.  It also frees up time for Jared to do his homework and actually get to spend some time with the kids (and they need that so much from him especially right now).

Then there are those who come take my little kids everyday and play with them and get them out of the house so I can rest and they can play.  This is such a blessing to me, and gives the children so much joy.  I miss them so much while they are away, but always know they are being well taken care of.

I know this isn't forever, and that is what gives me the strength to keep going.  I know that right now all I can do for my babies is rest.  The longer and more I rest, the longer I will be able to stay out of the hospital and the longer I will be able to carry my babies, giving them the best chance as they start this life.  I have always had a hard time asking for help, and accepting help, so this has been a huge learning and growing experience.

Thank you to everyone who finally wouldn't let me say no to the help, and could see that I needed more help even when I was refusing to believe it.  I love you and appreciate you.

This pic is from Halloween, but I had to share my blessings and these two are at the top of my list!

Cravings

I am loving potatoes right now.  I pretty much could eat them all day everyday.  I will eat them any way there is to eat potatoes.  Some of my favorites are: hash browns, smashed with gravy, baked with sour cream and gravy, twice baked, fries, cheesy.... yummmm.

I found this online and it looks really goood!!!!

The funny thing that I am craving that I normally don't like is crushed ice.  It is funny to me because I have always been a "no ice please" kind of person.  Now I  cant get enough of the crushed ice.  My favorite is the soft pellet like ice they have at hospitals.  I still have not sent my husband to the hospital with a cooler to fill, but I admit the thought has crossed my mind.